To whom it may concern,
I have had a Suicidal Allan Moment. An Allan Moment (or AM for short) is when something causes the universe to end in the distant future, and a Suicidal Allan Moment (or SAM for short) is an AM that is so severe that I either lose the will to live or attempt suicide.
My SAM began when I was on the iTunes store. I was browsing the episodes of Family Guy Season 2 and innocently began to read the description of Episode 15: Dammit Janet. I am obsessed with this particular episode of Family Guy Season 2 because it mentions my crush, fixation and obsession Kurt Cobain. The first sentence of the description contained the spelling 'enrolls', which is a US spelling (the UK spelling of this word is 'enrols'). The SAM said that, if there were at least two US spellings in this exact sentence, that the universe would end in the distant future. I was as certain as possible that the only US spelling that the sentence contained was the spelling 'enrolls', but, while reading the same sentence, I saw the spelling 'center', which is a US spelling (the UK spelling of this word is 'centre'). I was so horrified by the fulfilment of my SAM that I almost attempted suicide.
I give you my infinite gratitude for reading this entry. I have, at various stages of my life, been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, psychosis, obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, myopia and a navel fetish, and I am endlessly thankful for your appreciation of my various mental and medical conditions. I am also thankful for Kurt Cobain for feeding the starved behemoth that is my libido.
Bryony Hermes Temple
WARNING!Before you open the cut and destroy my dreams of my own rock band by using (or abusing) my plans, you must promise to me to obey all of the following rules:
Thank you for following these rules.
For at least 12 months i've dreamt of The Slacks being the greatest band of all time. I poured my heart, soul and blood into the albums, lyrics, names and all the rest so I could use the band to not only be successful, but to express my artistry as much as possible.
Now I am telling you everything about a band that hasn't even be formed yet.
Hi, mysterious reader.
I haven't updated my Journal in at least two months. My greatest apologies! I was taken into and out of mental hospitals, fighting with my mum and being meshuganah. And have I got a whole lotta news to tell ya!
A few days ago, I saw my new favourite film, the best film of the year, Heath Ledger's last film, Lily Cole's first film where she plays a major character, and the biggest masterpiece of the decade. They're all the same, one marvel-movie:
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
Now, for those of you who were sceptical Lily doll-Cole would ever be an even remotely good actress after seeing St Trinian's (the only other Lily film I've ever watched)-- and I was once among you-- you're wrong. In an interview in UK Hello!, the redheaded beauty admitted that she was frightened and worried by the size of the film, but Heath taught her how to act well.
And act well she does.
As Dr Parnassus' daughter Valentina, Lily was extraordinary, and not just appearance-wise. Her portrayal of the girl living with her dad in a travelling theatre (or, as I've seen it called 5413 times, 'traveling theater') is blazing with emotion, yet shockingly, delicately, sweetly, mind-blowingly realistic, life-like and skilful. And, at one point in the movie, Lily looks so beautiful she doesn't even seem human.
The mood is generally serious, gloomy and sombre (especially at the movie's very start), but it's actually very funny as well. The most hilarious moment was so funny I hard to work hard and control myself because I wanted to shriek/scream/squeal with laughter (it's a scene where Anton and Percy ask Tony some questions he doesn't know the answers to, and, out of nowhere, his mobile starts ringing). And the Imaginarium is awesome and lets the 'subconcious' minds of its visitors go berserk with surreal nonsense that often actually sorta makes sense. You get to see a forest of trees that are cardboard cutouts, tall ladders leading into clouds, flying jellyfish, and other dream-like imagery.
And the plot, unless you've been vacationing on Mercury, is this: over a thousand years ago, Dr Parnassus makes a deal with the devil so he can live forever and tell whacky, wonderful stories. Many centuries later, the weirdo with a beardo meets the love of his life (FYI, she looks exactly like their child, Valentina, except she's a brunette, has long lush ringlets, and is dressed in an old-fashioned aqua suit and big, wide hat). When she's 60, she turns out to be pregnant (very realistic) and dies giving birth to You-Know-Who.
Now, fast-foward to modern-day London. The Devil has decided he'll steal Valentina from her papa when she turns 16, which is in a few days. After Satan meets Dr Parnassus again, they change the deal; the Gandalf lookalike has until his kid's 16th b-day to 'seduce' five souls before The Devil collects his five souls. If the don't do this, buh-bye Valentina. So Dr Parnassus, Valentina, the dwarf Percy and a clutzy, awkward guy named Anton whose job is to engourage people to go through the theatre's mirror (that's the only way into the Imaginarium, and the only way the doctor can collect his five souls) collect an enigmatic bloke with no memory who turns out to be called Tony (as in Blair, it seems). And Val fights with her daddy.
Also, people complained about the four actors playing Tony (Jude Law, Johnny Depp, Colin Farrel and Heath Ledger-- duh!) not resembling each other, and being completely different, and not even looking the same. Hate to be frank, guys, but I hard to work real hard to see the differences between 'the four Tonys'. I remember that Tony look like Jude Law at one stage and Johnny Depp at another point in the movie. That's it.
And every reviewer paid to review movies almost universally panned The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, but, when it comes to knowing how good a film is, I never, ever trust reviewers. IMHO, the only way you can know if a film's good, bad, mediocre, fantastic or frickin' awful is The Internet Movie Database. On the website, the movie is rated 7.5 out of 10 stars (and this based on the ratings of 3,511 different people!).
So, erm. IDK how to finish this post in an awesome way. I've considered ending it with the sexiest Hendrix photo of all time, except that he's not even referenced in the movie, or has his songs played. Maybe I'll post some jokes I made up and find embarrassing.
Q. What do cats and lesbians have in common?
A. They both love eating fish.
A. Mick Dragger.
[I cross-posted this message at Pádraig Ó Méalóid's LiveJournal, because I desperately want answers to my questions]
I've finally got myself a copy of LoEG: Century 1910, and I loved it. But I would badly, vehemently, worshipfully love to see a preview of Century 1969. Problem is, there aren't any to be found. Please may I have a preview?
Also, I've got a few questions about 1969:
Please answer all of these questions. Pretty please with sugar on the top! It's all right for you to answer the rude ones, because I'm now 17, which means that, in one year, I'm officially an adult. There's no reason for you to say that I'm too young.
Thanks a trillion,
Bryony 'Wannabe Hendrix Groupie' Temple
Top Ten #2:
Facts You Don't Know about Lily Cole
The most beautiful woman since Helen of Troy, it's little wonder that Lily has become one of the world's biggest supermodels. Now, ‘scuse me while I dump some facts about her here:
1. Lily has tattoos. Honestly. She’s got fancy writing on her left foot and a little star inside her right wrist.
2. Even though everyone says she’s English, her mother is a Welsh artist named Patience Owen.
3. Lily has a sister named Elvie.
4. Her mother, and her father Chris (a former fisherman), divorced very early; at latest, when Lily was five!
5. She was discovered when she was eating a hamburger with some friends in London.
6. She’s posed fully naked for Paradis, a French men’s mag. You can even see her nipples and crotch…
7. And, yes, her pubes are red.
8. I was told, by the universe, to form a band with her called The Slacks. I would be the front-woman and rhythm guitarist, Lily would play bass, and fellow models Agyness Deyn and Irina Lazareanu would play guitar and drums respectively.
9. She is a natural redhead, but her hair’s not naturally the bright copper that fashion editors etc rave on about. Instead, it’s an almost dull strawberry blonde.
10. Rumour has it she might be preggers with her boyfriend Enruiqe Murciano’s baby!
That’s this month’s Top Ten. I’m still at hospital. See ya.
Hey everyone, I'm bored!
No-one's commented here since Jimi-baby was dead. Well, it seems that long. :-(
So I'm gonna start a competition. Every 50th person to comment on this post (note: not every 50th post, because I need more people to comment here!) wins a prize. And what the prize is is a secret until you win it.
As I might've already mentioned, Mick Jagger was the sexiest living organism on Earth when he was young. (Call me weird, but I still think he's hot.) Just watching his sinewy, half-clothed body makes me want to explode from lust. (The pills I take have mucked up my libido, which means that I felt zilch when reading a preview of The Story of O on amazon.com.)
But you came here for lulz, not me raving on about a shirtless baby boomer. So, in no order, here are some macros and videos*:
* None of these were created by me.